Jäger Dwebble Jackson – 06/11/2023

(Written on June 11th, 2023 at 7:19am) I gotta write this out before I go today. If I do it after, I don’t know how I’ll even make it through the day. This is SOOOO much harder than I ever thought it would be. Today I take Jäger to be cremated. His “room” is still warm and I still have his favorite foods. He loves grapes and apples the most. I just sat in front of his room the entire night and just stared at him. For maybe nine hours I just sat there. I didn’t know what else to do. He looks at peace. I got him on my Gramma and Grampa’s anniversary, so that is when I would say his “birthday” is. I didn’t plan it, it just happened. The day I saw him in the pet store, he was the only hermit crab there, and the lady kept searching around trying to find any other crab but him, but couldn’t and apologized. I wanted him immediately. I could tell he was a little scared. When the lady gave him to me he was SO COLD. The habitat they had was fine but he was just so cold. I took him home and gave him warmth and food, and he came out after a while on his own. He had the TINIEST little chip out of the end of one of his legs, and I suspect that is why people weren’t buying him. I know what it feels like to be unwanted or outcast, so I understood. I fell in love with him immediately. I named him Jäger, after Eren Jaeger, a character who I am intensely obsessed with and who has been instrumental in keeping me alive this long. Jäger’s middle name is Dwebble, after the hermit crab Pokémon. And his last name is my last name. He is my son, not my “pet”, and this is way harder than I ever thought it’d be. I love him like I love anyone else, but I am not saying “goodbye” because I believe I will get to see him again one day. I think PPS got to him. The last video I have is of him taking a bath and then stoping to play in the water a little bit. Then he came to stare at me. I don’t know about others, but for us, that meant he wanted me to hold him for a bit. So I’d curl my hand and he’s sit there with his little head poking out of the hole and he’s be comfortable. Sometimes I would think “maybe it’s time to sit him back down for a while” and he WOULDN’T WANNA GO. lol. So I’d still hold him. I keep feeling guilty, like maybe I did something wrong, but I know cognitively that it’s not true. I think he was sent to me for a reason. Sometimes I feel things crawling on me, and I believe it’s Jäger. I believe he’s telling me that he’s not just gone and disappeared into the ether forever and ever. I believe in spirits and whatnot, and I believe his spirit is around just like anyone else. I’ll sit his urn next to his nameplate I made him that hands on the wall, as well as a really nice picture I have of him where he was standing on my chest next to my Basement Key (I wear the key Eren Jaeger wore in earlier episodes for comfort). I thought it was a funny picture with Jäger next to that specific key. I didn’t take more pictures of him because I didn’t wanna stress him out with the camera bigger than him in his face all the time, so I’mma cherish that picture. It’s below. On the website of the place I’ll be taking Jäger, there is a poem titled “Do Not Stand By My Grave and Weep” and the last lines are “Do not stand at my grave and cry, I am not there, I did not die” and right now those two lines are helping me right now. This is a long post; I am a writer so this is natural for me. Maybe I will write a song to him. I don’t think he’d want me crying like this. Whenever I would cry he’d come to the glass and stare at me, even when I tried to do it quietly. I still think he does that. He’s probably here right now staring at me. “I will always love you, my little Jägermeister. I’ll still hold you up to Daddy’s pictures whenever you want.”  Jäger Dwebble Jackson – 06/11/2023

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